The Entire Shrek Script
by memeproffeser392
Summary: I was gonna make it sexy but you on its own its saucy enough. You can thank me later.


SHREKOnce upon a time there was a lovelyprincess. But she had an enchantmentupon her of a fearful sort which couldonly be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guardedby a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knights had attempted tofree her from this dreadful prison,but non prevailed. She waited in thedragon's keep in the highest room ofthe tallest tower for her true loveand true love's first kiss. (laughs)Like that's ever gonna happen. Whata load of – (toilet flush)Allstar – by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about hisday. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to goafter the ogre.NIGHT – NEAR SHREK'S HOMEMAN1Think it's in there?MAN2All right. Let's get it!MAN1Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what thatthing can do to you?MAN3Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it'sbread.Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.SHREKYes, well, actually, that would be agiant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshlypeeled skin.MENNo!SHREKThey'll shave your liver. Squeeze thejelly from your eyes! Actually, it'squite good on toast.MAN1Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!(waves the torch at Shrek.)Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. Themen shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and longand his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until themen are in the dark.SHREKThis is the part where you run away.(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)And stay out! (looks down and picksup a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs andthrows the paper over his shoulder.)THE NEXT DAYThere is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guardsits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creaturesto him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in lineare Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipettowho's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the threelittle pigs.GUARDAll right. This one's full. Take itaway! Move it along. Come on! Get up!HEAD GUARDNext!GUARD(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!Your flying days are over. (breaks thebroom in half)HEAD GUARDThat's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.Next!GUARDGet up! Come on!HEAD GUARDTwenty pieces.LITTLE BEAR(crying) This cage is too small.DONKEYPlease, don't turn me in. I'll neverbe stubborn again. I can change. Please!Give me another chance!OLD WOMANOh, shut up. (jerks his rope)DONKEYOh!HEAD GUARDNext! What have you got?GIPETTOThis little wooden puppet.PINOCCHIOI'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (hisnose grows)HEAD GUARDFive shillings for the possessed toy.Take it away.PINOCCHIOFather, please! Don't let them do this!Help me!Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps upto the table.HEAD GUARDNext! What have you got?OLD WOMANWell, I've got a talking donkey.HEAD GUARDRight. Well, that's good for ten shillings,if you can prove it.OLD WOMANOh, go ahead, little fella.Donkey just looks up at her.HEAD GUARDWell?OLD WOMANOh, oh, he's just…he's just a littlenervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.Talk, you boneheaded dolt…HEAD GUARDThat's it. I've heard enough. Guards!OLD WOMANNo, no, he talks! He does. (pretendsto be Donkey) I can talk. I love totalk. I'm the talkingest damn thingyou ever saw.HEAD GUARDGet her out of my sight.OLD WOMANNo, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. Oneof her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan'shands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkledwith fairy dust and he's able to fly.DONKEYHey! I can fly!PETER PANHe can fly!3 LITTLE PIGSHe can fly!HEAD GUARDHe can talk!DONKEYHa, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'ma flying, talking donkey. You mighthave seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkeyfly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust beginsto wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sinkto the ground.)He hits the ground with a thud.HEAD GUARDSeize him! (Donkey takes of running.)After him!GUARDSHe's getting away! Get him! This way!Turn!Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scaredfor a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. Hequickly hides behind Shrek.HEAD GUARDYou there. Ogre!SHREKAye?HEAD GUARDBy the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorizedto place you both under arrest and transportyou to a designated resettlement facility.SHREKOh, really? You and what army?He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as welland we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tailand runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business andbegins walking back to his cottage.DONKEYCan I say something to you? Listen,you was really, really, really somethin'back here. Incredible!SHREKAre you talkin' to…(he turns aroundand Donkey is gone) me? (he turns backaround and Donkey is right in frontof him.) Whoa!DONKEYYes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tellyou that you that you was great backhere? Those guards! They thought theywas all of that. Then you showed up,and bam! They was trippin' over themselveslike babes in the woods. That reallymade me feel good to see that.SHREKOh, that's great. Really.DONKEYMan, it's good to be free.SHREKNow, why don't you go celebrate yourfreedom with your own friends? Hmm?DONKEYBut, uh, I don't have any friends. AndI'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'llstick with you. You're mean, green,fightin' machine. Together we'll scarethe spit out of anybody that crossesus.Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring veryloudly.DONKEYOh, wow! That was really scary. If youdon't mind me sayin', if that don'twork, your breath certainly will getthe job done, 'cause you definitelyneed some Tic Tacs or something, 'causeyou breath stinks! You almost burnedthe hair outta my nose, just like thetime…(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkeycontinues to talk, so Shrek removeshis hand.) …then I ate some rottenberries. I had strong gases leakingout of my butt that day.SHREKWhy are you following me?DONKEYI'll tell you why. (singing) 'CauseI'm all alone, There's no one here besideme, My problems have all gone, There'sno one to deride me, But you gotta havefaith…SHREKStop singing! It's no wonder you don'thave any friends.DONKEYWow. Only a true friend would be thatcruelly honest.SHREKListen, little donkey. Take a look atme. What am I?DONKEY(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh …reallytall?SHREKNo! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab yourtorch and pitchforks." Doesn't thatbother you?DONKEYNope.SHREKReally?DONKEYReally, really.SHREKOh.DONKEYMan, I like you. What's you name?SHREKUh, Shrek.DONKEYShrek? Well, you know what I like aboutyou, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-mething. I like that. I respect that,Shrek. You all right. (They come overa hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to livein place like that?SHREKThat would be my home.DONKEYOh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.You know you are quite a decorator.It's amazing what you've done with sucha modest budget. I like that boulder.That is a nice boulder. I guess youdon't entertain much, do you?SHREKI like my privacy.DONKEYYou know, I do too. That's another thingwe have in common. Like I hate it whenyou got somebody in your face. You'vetrying to give them a hint, and theywon't leave. There's that awkward silence.(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?SHREKUh, what?DONKEYCan I stay with you, please?SHREK(sarcastically) Of course!DONKEYReally?SHREKNo.DONKEYPlease! I don't wanna go back there!You don't know what it's like to beconsidered a freak. (pause while helooks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.But that's why we gotta stick together.You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!SHREKOkay! Okay! But one night only.DONKEYAh! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)SHREKWhat are you…? (Donkey hops up ontoa chair.) No! No!DONKEYThis is gonna be fun! We can stay uplate, swappin' manly stories, and inthe mornin' I'm makin' waffles.SHREKOh!DONKEYWhere do, uh, I sleep?SHREK(irritated) Outside!DONKEYOh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,I don't know you, and you don't knowme, so I guess outside is best, youknow. Here I go. Good night. (Shrekslams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I dolike the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I wasborn outside. I'll just be sitting bymyself outside, I guess, you know. Bymyself, outside. I'm all alone…there'sno one here beside me…SHREK'S COTTAGE – NIGHTShrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lightsa candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears anoise. He stands up with a huff.SHREK(to Donkey) I thought I told you tostay outside.DONKEY(from the window) I am outside.There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person thatmade the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turnsand spots 3 blind mice on his table.BLIND MOUSE1Well, gents, it's a far cry from thefarm, but what choice do we have?BLIND MOUSE2It's not home, but it'll do just fine.GORDO(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.SHREKGot ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapesand lands on his shoulder.)GORDOI found some cheese. (bites Shrek'sear)SHREKOw!GORDOBlah! Awful stuff.BLIND MOUSE1Is that you, Gordo?GORDOHow did you know?SHREKEnough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What areyou doing in my house? (He gets bumpedfrom behind and he drops the mice.)Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarveswith Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,no, no. Dead broad off the table.DWARFWhere are we supposed to put her? Thebed's taken.SHREKHuh?Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks athim.BIG BAD WOLFWhat?TIME LAPSEShrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragginghim to the front door.SHREKI live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'ma terrifying ogre! What do I have todo get a little privacy? (He opens thefront door to throw the Wolf out andhe sees that all the collected FairyTale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,no. No! No!The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing hispipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directingflight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land…etc.SHREKWhat are you doing in my swamp? (thisechoes and everyone falls silent.)Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside atent.SHREKAll right, get out of here. All of you,move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (moredwarves run inside the house) No, no!No, no. Not there. Not there. (theyshut the door on him) Oh! (turns tolook at Donkey)DONKEYHey, don't look at me. I didn't invitethem.PINOCCHIOOh, gosh, no one invited us.SHREKWhat?PINOCCHIOWe were forced to come here.SHREK(flabbergasted) By who?LITTLE PIGLord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffedand he…signed an eviction notice.SHREK(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows wherethis Farquaad guy is?Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.DONKEYOh, I do. I know where he is.SHREKDoes anyone else know where to findhim? Anyone at all?DONKEYMe! Me!SHREKAnyone?DONKEYOh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!Me, me!SHREK(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairytale things. Do not get comfortable.Your welcome is officially worn out.In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaadright now and get you all off my landand back where you came from! (Pause.Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)You! You're comin' with me.DONKEYAll right, that's what I like to hear,man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwartfriends, off on a whirlwind big-cityadventure. I love it!DONKEY(singing) On the road again. Sing itwith me, Shrek. I can't wait to geton the road again.SHREKWhat did I say about singing?DONKEYCan I whistle?SHREKNo.DONKEYCan I hum it?SHREKAll right, hum it.Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.DULOC – KITCHENA masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continuallydunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.FARQUAADThat's enough. He's ready to talk.The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed downonto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to thetable. However when he reaches the table we see that it goesup to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.FARQUAAD(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legsand plays with them) Run, run, run,as fast as you can. You can't catchme. I'm the gingerbread man.GINGERBREAD MANYou are a monster.FARQUAADI'm not the monster here. You are. Youand the rest of that fairy tale trash,poisoning my perfect world. Now, tellme! Where are the others?GINGERBREAD MANEat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad'seye.)FARQUAADI've tried to be fair to you creatures.Now my patience has reached its end!Tell me or I'll…(he makes as if topull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)GINGERBREAD MANNo, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdropbuttons.FARQUAADAll right then. Who's hiding them?GINGERBREAD MANOkay, I'll tell you. Do you know themuffin man?FARQUAADThe muffin man?GINGERBREAD MANThe muffin man.FARQUAADYes, I know the muffin man, who liveson Drury Lane?GINGERBREAD MANWell, she's married to the muffin man.FARQUAADThe muffin man?GINGERBREAD MANThe muffin man!FARQUAADShe's married to the muffin man.The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.HEAD GUARDMy lord! We found it.FARQUAADThen what are you waiting for? Bringit in.More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the MagicMirror.GINGERBREAD MAN(in awe) Ohhhh…FARQUAADMagic mirror…GINGERBREAD MANDon't tell him anything! (Farquaad pickshim up and dumps him into a trash canwith a lid.) No!FARQUAADEvening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.Is this not the most perfect kingdomof them all?MIRRORWell, technically you're not a king.FARQUAADUh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up ahand mirror and smashes it with hisfist.) You were saying?MIRRORWhat I mean is you're not a king yet.But you can become one. All you haveto do is marry a princess.FARQUAADGo on.MIRROR(chuckles nervously) So, just sit backand relax, my lord, because it's timefor you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.And here they are! Bachelorette numberone is a mentally abused shut-in froma kingdom far, far away. She likes sushiand hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbiesinclude cooking and cleaning for hertwo evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorettenumber two is a cape-wearing girl fromthe land of fancy. Although she liveswith seven other men, she's not easy.Just kiss her dead, frozen lips andfind out what a live wire she is. Comeon. Give it up for Snow White! (showspicture of Snow White) And last, butcertainly not last, bachelorette numberthree is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guardedcastle surrounded by hot boiling lava!But don't let that cool you off. She'sa loaded pistol who likes pina coladsand getting caught in the rain. Yoursfor the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Showspicture of Princess Fiona) So will itbe bachelorette number one, bachelorettenumber two or bachelorette number three?GUARDSTwo! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!FARQUAADThree? One? Three?THELONIUSThree! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick numberthree, my lord!FARQUAADOkay, okay, uh, number three!MIRRORLord Farquaad, you've chosen PrincessFiona.FARQUAADPrincess Fiona. She's perfect. All Ihave to do is just find someone whocan go…MIRRORBut I probably should mention the littlething that happens at night.FARQUAADI'll do it.MIRRORYes, but after sunset…FARQUAADSilence! I will make this Princess Fionamy queen, and DuLoc will finally havethe perfect king! Captain, assembleyour finest men. We're going to havea tournament. (smiles evilly)DuLoc Parking Lot – Lancelot SectionShrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parkinglot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.DONKEYBut that's it. That's it right there.That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.SHREKSo, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.DONKEYUh-huh. That's the place.SHREKDo you think maybe he's compensatingfor something? (He laughs, but thengroans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.He continues walking through the parkinglot.)DONKEYHey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.MANHurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.SHREKHey, you! (The attendant, who is wearinga giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,screams and begins running through therows of rope to get to the front gateto get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just- – I just – - (He sighs and then beginswalking straight through the rows. Theattendant runs into a wall and fallsdown. Shrek and Donkey look at him thencontinue on into DuLoc.)DULOCThey look around but all is quiet.SHREKIt's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?DONKEYHey, look at this!Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a boxmarked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doorsopen up. There are little wooden people inside and they beginto sing.WOODEN PEOPLEWelcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your… faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect place.Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.DONKEYWow! Let's do that again! (makes readyto run over and pull the lever again)SHREK(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)No. No. No, no, no! No.They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.FARQUAADBrave knights. You are the best andbrightest in all the land. Today oneof you shall prove himself…As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arenaDonkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.SHREKAll right. You're going the right wayfor a smacked bottom.DONKEYSorry about that.FARQUAADThat champion shall have the honor -- no, no – - the privilege to go forthand rescue the lovely Princess Fionafrom the fiery keep of the dragon. Iffor any reason the winner is unsuccessful,the first runner-up will take his placeand so on and so forth. Some of youmay die, but it's a sacrifice I am willingto make. (cheers) Let the tournamentbegin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What isthat? It's hideous!SHREK(turns to look at Donkey and then backat Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.It's just a donkey.FARQUAADIndeed. Knights, new plan! The one whokills the ogre will be named champion!Have it him!MENGet him!SHREKOh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumpsinto a table where there are mugs ofbeer)CROWDGo ahead! Get him!SHREK(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we justsettle this over a pint?CROWDKill the beast!SHREKNo? All right then. (drinks the beer)Come on!He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrelof beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching theother men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slidespast the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the largerbeer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so muchfighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Sufficeto say that Shrek kicks butt.DONKEYHey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrekgets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.SHREKYeah!A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in timeand sees him.WOMANThe chair! Give him the chair!Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the menare down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the dingsounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.SHREKOh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank youvery much! I'm here till Thursday. Trythe veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons onShrek.HEAD GUARDShall I give the order, sir?FARQUAADNo, I have a better idea. People ofDuLoc, I give you our champion!SHREKWhat?FARQUAADCongratulations, ogre. You're won thehonor of embarking on a great and noblequest.SHREKQuest? I'm already in a quest, a questto get my swamp back.FARQUAADYour swamp?SHREKYeah, my swamp! Where you dumped thosefairy tale creatures!FARQUAADIndeed. All right, ogre. I'll make youa deal. Go on this quest for me, andI'll give you your swamp back.SHREKExactly the way it was?FARQUAADDown to the last slime-covered toadstool.SHREKAnd the squatters?FARQUAADAs good as gone.SHREKWhat kind of quest?Time Lapse – Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the fieldheading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.DONKEYLet me get this straight. You're gonnago fight a dragon and rescue a princessjust so Farquaad will give you backa swamp which you only don't have becausehe filled it full of freaks in the firstplace. Is that about right?SHREKYou know, maybe there's a good reasondonkeys shouldn't talk.DONKEYI don't get it. Why don't you just pullsome of that ogre stuff on him? Throttlehim, lay siege to his fortress, grindshis bones to make your bread, the wholeogre trip.SHREKOh, I know what. Maybe I could havedecapitated an entire village and puttheir heads on a pike, gotten a knife,cut open their spleen and drink theirfluids. Does that sound good to you?DONKEYUh, no, not really, no.SHREKFor your information, there's a lotmore to ogres than people think.DONKEYExample?SHREKExample? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.(he holds out his onion)DONKEY(sniffs the onion) They stink?SHREKYes – - No!DONKEYThey make you cry?SHREKNo!DONKEYYou leave them in the sun, they getall brown, start sproutin' little whitehairs.SHREKNo! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogreshave layers! Onions have layers. Youget it? We both have layers. (he heavesa sigh and then walks off)DONKEY(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you bothhave layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybodyloves cakes! Cakes have layers.SHREKI don't care… what everyone likes.Ogres are not like cakes.DONKEYYou know what else everybody likes?Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,you say, "Let's get some parfait," theysay, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?Parfaits are delicious.SHREKNo! You dense, irritating, miniaturebeast of burden! Ogres are like onions!And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.DONKEYParfaits may be the most delicious thingon the whole damn planet.SHREKYou know, I think I preferred your humming.DONKEYDo you have a tissue or something? I'mmaking a mess. Just the word parfaitmake me start slobbering.They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking througha field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek tryingto put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.DRAGON'S KEEPShrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed tohouse Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.DONKEY(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?You gotta warn somebody before you justcrack one off. My mouth was open andeverything.SHREKBelieve me, Donkey, if it was me, you'dbe dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. Wemust be getting close.DONKEYYeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talkingabout it's the brimstone. I know whatI smell. It wasn't no brimstone. Itdidn't come off no stone neither.They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. Thereis a small piece of rock right in the center and that is wherethe castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks veryforeboding.SHREKSure, it's big enough, but look at thelocation. (laughs…then the laugh turnsinto a groan)DONKEYUh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you saidogres have layers?SHREKOh, aye.DONKEYWell, I have a bit of a confession tomake. Donkeys don't have layers. Wewear our fear right out there on oursleeves.SHREKWait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.DONKEYYou know what I mean.SHREKYou can't tell me you're afraid of heights.DONKEYNo, I'm just a little uncomfortableabout being on a rickety bridge overa boiling like of lava!SHREKCome on, Donkey. I'm right here besideya, okay? For emotional support., we'lljust tackle this thing together onelittle baby step at a time.DONKEYReally?SHREKReally, really.DONKEYOkay, that makes me feel so much better.SHREKJust keep moving. And don't look down.DONKEYOkay, don't look down. Don't look down.Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don'tlook down. (he steps through a rottingboard and ends up looking straight downinto the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let meoff, please!SHREKBut you're already halfway.DONKEYBut I know that half is safe!SHREKOkay, fine. I don't have time for this.You go back.DONKEYShrek, no! Wait!SHREKJust, Donkey – - Let's have a dancethen, shall me? (bounces and sways thebridge)DONKEYDon't do that!SHREKOh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bouncesthe bridge again)DONKEYYes, that!SHREKYes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues tobounce and sway as he backs Donkey acrossthe bridge)DONKEYNo, Shrek! No! Stop it!SHREKYou said do it! I'm doin' it.DONKEYI'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)Oh!SHREKThat'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walkstowards the castle)DONKEYCool. So where is this fire-breathingpain-in-the-neck anyway?SHREKInside, waiting for us to rescue her.(chuckles)DONKEYI was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.INSIDE THE CASTLEDONKEYYou afraid?SHREKNo.DONKEYBut…SHREKShh.DONKEYOh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeletonand gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrongwith bein' afraid. Fear's a sensibleresponse to an unfamiliar situation.Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I mightadd. With a dragon that breathes fireand eats knights and breathes fire,it sure doesn't mean you're a cowardif you're a little scared. I sure asheck ain't no coward. I know that.SHREKDonkey, two things, okay? Shut … up.Now go over there and see if you canfind any stairs.DONKEYStairs? I thought we was lookin' forthe princess.SHREK(putting on a helmet) The princess willbe up the stairs in the highest roomin the tallest tower.DONKEYWhat makes you think she'll be there?SHREKI read it in a book once. (walks off)DONKEYCool. You handle the dragon. I'll handlethe stairs. I'll find those stairs.I'll whip their butt too. Those stairswon't know which way they're goin'.(walks off)EMPTY ROOMDonkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.DONKEYI'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick itto the curb. Don't mess with me. I'mthe stair master. I've mastered thestairs. I wish I had a step right here.I'd step all over it.ELSEWHEREShrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.SHREKWell, at least we know where the princessis, but where's the…DONKEY(os) Dragon!Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragonbreathes fire.SHREKDonkey, look out! (he manages to geta hold of the dragons tail and holdson) Got ya!The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrekgoes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of thetallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lyingon the floor.DONKEYOh! Aah! Aah!Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a smallpart of the bridge he's on.DONKEYNo. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,what large teeth you have. (the dragongrowls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.I know you probably hear this all timefrom your food, but you must bleach,'cause that is one dazzling smile yougot there. Do I detect a hint of mintyfreshness? And you know what else? You're- – You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.You're just reeking of feminine beauty.(the dragon begins fluttering her eyesat him) What's the matter with you?You got something in your eye? Ohh.Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,but you know, I'm, uh…(the dragonblows a smoke ring in the shape of aheart right at him, and he coughs) I'man asthmatic, and I don't know if it'dwork out if you're gonna blow smokerings. Shrek! (the dragon picks himup with her teeth and carries him off)No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!FIONA'S ROOMShrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fionaso she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. Shethen quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers offthe side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona fora moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shouldersand shakes her away.FIONAOh! Oh!SHREKWake up!FIONAWhat?SHREKAre you Princess Fiona?FIONAI am, awaiting a knight so bold as torescue me.SHREKOh, that's nice. Now let's go!FIONABut wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith ourfirst meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,romantic moment?SHREKYeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.FIONAHey, wait. What are you doing? You shouldsweep me off my feet out yonder windowand down a rope onto your valiant steed.SHREKYou've had a lot of time to plan this,haven't you?FIONA(smiles) Mm-hmm.Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and downthe hallway.FIONABut we have to savor this moment! Youcould recite an epic poem for me. Aballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!SHREKI don't think so.FIONACan I at least know the name of my champion?SHREKUh, Shrek.FIONASir Shrek. (clears throat and holdsout a handkerchief) I pray that youtake this favor as a token of my gratitude.SHREKThanks!Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.FIONA(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?SHREKIt's on my to-do list. Now come on!(takes off running and drags Fiona behindhim.)FIONABut this isn't right! You were meantto charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.That's what all the other knights did.SHREKYeah, right before they burst into flame.FIONAThat's not the point. (Shrek suddenlystops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrekignores her and heads for a wooden dooroff to the side.) Wait. Where are yougoing? The exit's over there.SHREKWell, I have to save my ass.FIONAWhat kind of knight are you?SHREKOne of a kind. (opens the door intothe throne room)


End file.
